God Doesn’t Need Me Anymore

I remember sitting in the tiny blue trailer that I called ‘home’ when the supposed reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

God doesn’t need me anymore.

I was suffering a crisis of worth and this seemed like the only thing that made sense. Why else would everything point to me being “pushed aside” and “forgotten.”

When I entered the ministry a few years prior to this “crisis” I had just turned 19. Feeling small and inadequate, I laid my life before the Lord and surrendered to His call ready to pour my heart and soul into His work. I grew to love the tasks He gave me. I immersed myself in the pursuit of them, and acquired grand visions of where I wanted to take them.

But… eventually I began to feel unnecessary and unimportant to the work and people of God. I would work hard on a project and someone who never lifted a finger would swoop in and take full credit. I would pour myself into something and while one would speak favorably of my workmanship, another would quickly tear down the idea that I did anything of significant worth.

Over time I began to feel the weight of other people’s opinions about me as they were shifting to the negative. I knew that jaws were at work behind the scenes, but there was nothing I could do about it. If I stood up to them, they would take it and use it to their advantage. If I entreated someone for counsel, it would look like gossip. If I did anything really, it would only make the problem worse… so… I surrendered.

I took it.

Every day I was tried. I would go home at night, lay face down on my floor and weep into the itchy blue carpet because I felt like I was being pushed out of my “ministry turf”. I was old news. Worthlessness consumed me.

I decided that the only explanation was that God must not need me anymore.

If my work was only to be undone, redone, scoffed at, ridiculed… why was I even doing it? Wasn’t that a waste of time? And isn’t time something that is meant to be redeemed? I wondered if God was telling me “you’re no longer necessary- just move on Becky… take the hint… I got newer better people… step aside.”

Whether that was what it meant or not, simply abandoning the ministry was out of the question, so I lived through the days, weeks, and months of stolen credit and bruised reputation and I did not fight it (most of the time…). I felt the pain, worked on in spite of it, and just… kept putting one foot in front of the other.

I even wrote the first chapter of a book that was going to be called “When God Doesn’t Need You Anymore.” It was going to be for people who feel like they are on the shelf or pushed aside in the ministry, and it was going to encourage them in their situation.

Well… Fast forward five years later to… yesterday.

While sorting files from an old laptop, I discovered that first chapter.

Oh my.

You know… I had no idea what was under the guise of what I believed was my heart. Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

While scanning the lines, I recoiled at the revolting hidden motives that dribbled out in every sentence. I couldn’t see them then, but I see them clearly now. Deep under the hurt I was feeling was this idea that I was something special… that I deserved some kind of respect, recognition or other gag-worthy etceteras.

Beyond the “chapter” looking back to my “trial” I recognized a God Who loved me enough to crumble something that was utterly repulsive in His sight.

Somewhere in the midst of “ministry” an ugly seed had been planted, and it germinated.  Yes…I did work hard… but looking back, it is so obvious to me that I did so much of it to please people. I lived to please and I hunted for affirming signs of approval. I would often stretch myself to exorbitant lengths trying to attain just a moment or a word that proved somehow that I was valuable.

The idea then, that I was living for any kind of recognition probably would have seemed ludicrous to me because 99.99999999999% of my life was behind the scenes.  I worked for months on projects with no honor or recognition.

But you see… there was that .000000000000000001% when the massive project was released and there was that ever-so-brief display of gratitude and appreciation that reminded me of why all the work was “worth it” (until someone spotted the first flaw). It was the .000000000000000001% when someone asked about who designed something, or who pulled this off, or who wrote this… and my name was mentioned and tha approval flowed that gave me reason to go another round.

It was that .0000000000000001%. Such a small percentage, and yet a very big heart-polluting deal.

When I think of it now, I am utterly ashamed.

I did a lot of things  thinking I was doing them expressly “for God” but looking behind me I see…  I was also doing them for people’s love and admiration… I used so much of my time and energy and strength to pour into those projects…. and….  I thought I was burnt out serving God.  Really…I was burning myself out, failing to distinguish my ambitions from God’s given tasks.

I had great visions for so many things. I accomplished several… I had the opportunity to do more… but I just couldn’t bear my own load. I was burying myself alive to hear someone say “good job” every once in a great while.

I was working for and receiving my reward…. My .0000000000001%  It took a few years, but it became obvious that the incentive was so flawed that it was bound to crash in on me eventually.

I think of those clear moments when God was breaking away large chunks of those old motivations.

I remember so many times weeping in God’s presence, asking Him to check my heart again and again… purge me of “me!” While it started out painful, I let people take credit for my work until it stopped bothering me. I let people do or say whatever and kept my heart fixed on Jesus recognizing that He was the reason I was doing what I was doing. Pretty soon, it just didn’t matter at all. I began saying no to things I really wished I could do… I had to put projects on the back back back burner to put God’s work first. I had to disappoint people when things they were looking forward to were frozen in progress.

A lot of things that seemed like they had been for “God’s glory” turned out to be a smidge for Becky’s glory and that had to be whittled away as God began to open my eyes, speak to my heart, and break me down. He was trying me in the fiery furnace to burn out the dross of hidden motives.

And you know… it’s not like I ever attained some pinnacle of “selflessness.” I am not implying that by any means. As I walk forward with life there’s always something lurking around every corner or  popping out of crevices in my heart. I experience human emotions obviously. Weariness, aggravations, hurts… they creep up and test my faith, my limits, and my foundation. Crucifying the flesh is like whack-a-mole; you knock one out, and all the sudden its rearing its ugly head again in another shape or form.

But ever-so-slowly, I noticed that the ministry became less of a roller-coaster, and more of a simple, straight-forward walk. I wasn’t riding the peaks of appreciation or the dips of worthlessness. I stood solidly on a Rock, unwavered by the lack of or lull in man’s esteem. Sure there are still hardships and disappointments and hurts… no doubt about that, but the source of hurt… the source of offense… it always turns out to be in me…. not others. The root of all offense stems from the fact that we feel like we are entitled to something or other, and are being deprived of it. Recognition, be it great or small, respect, some level of comfort or whatever… take a look at your hurt and look deeper than it. Why does it hurt? Which monster got pricked? Pride? Entitlement? Your will?

God’s always quietly doing His work, removing one ugly after another and then…

Five years later there was yesterday. I found an old file and realized…

I was right.

God doesn’t need me anymore.

Of course, I thought that meant something much different…. But in those lonely hours of feeling pushed out and sidelined, God was teaching me that yes….that’s the best place for me… out of the picture.

He was teaching me that I needed to stay put… but get out of the way. Get Becky out of the equation and just… look to Him. Live to serve Him. Live to glorify Him… make Him front and center all the time and learn that absolute vital lesson: God doesn’t need me… He doesn’t need you.

He’s looking for vessels emptied of “self” ready to serve Him.