The Confused Christian

There was a point in my life, that I walked through a harrowing valley of spiritual confusion.

I used to believe that, if a person was a Christian and they loved the Lord, that they were impervious to false doctrine, false teachers, false prophets, etc. I also used to think all of the above were obvious and easy to avoid. I don’t think that anymore, and I’ll tell you why.

I was firmly convinced that I was a believer with, what I considered, a strong spiritual foundation. I had been, in my assessment, “saved” for over two decades. I had ministered in various roles and capacities down through the years. I believed I loved the Lord. I read my Bible. I prayed a great deal. There was no massive rejection of obvious truth. No clearly discernible falsity that I recognized and obstinately embraced. But there was a season in my life where everything I knew was turned completely upside down by the disastrous effects of false doctrine.

How could such a thing happen? I asked myself that question 1000 times. All I can tell you, is that it happened with tremendous subtlety. It happened like a gentle scattering of seeds, sprinkled into my life by other believers. It happened like 1,000 tiny earthquakes, slowly, overtime, each of them imperceptibly, steadily, systematically breaking me down. A semi-isolated environment. Repetitive exposure. A desire to be accepted. The ground beneath me, barely shuddering, over and over and over, until I looked around and I could not find a single thing that I could deem, beyond a shadow of all doubt, was stable and solid.

I’d stand where they said to stand, and the floor would give out beneath me. I’d run where they said to run, and I’d fall into a dark chasm. I’d lean where they said to lean, and I would topple to the ground. I’d fill the bucket they gave me and find it filled with holes. I’d eagerly apply the sermon, like a devoted Christian would, but find the fruit rotten. I couldn’t conceive that any person around me was actively trying to gaslight me, but it felt as if, over and over, I was being gaslighted spiritually. Led over and over to things that burnt me. Being promised solutions that backfired in hideous ways. Constantly left questioning my sanity.

The darkness and the oppression of that season of my life, were so harrowing, that every time I reached for my Bible, 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘩 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦. My whole arm would tremble, because for the first time in my life, I realized that God’s Word could be 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙪𝙜𝙣𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙.

I realized that there were 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗶𝘁𝘀, and they were 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨… and the best counterfeits looked 𝘴𝘰 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩… 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘴.

I didn’t know which voices in my life were interpreting God’s Word correctly. I didn’t know what churches or preachers or denominations were interpreting it correctly. I could not even be sure, when I read my Bible, that I was reading it correctly. The experience was terrifying.

One thousand camouflaged lies, unperceived, because they came wrapped in a skin of truth. They came with 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀 I was familiar with, and 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗽𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲𝘀 I was familiar with, and 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 I agreed with, and were carried by 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘐 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥.

Even when I began to recognize the untruths, and stood firmly upon the knowledge that I was saved, and desperately clung to what I was absolutely certain of, the repetitive presentation of false ideas took an incredible toll on me. Week after week, subtle phrases, and subtle ideas, and subtle concepts spoken by respected voices, all suggesting I was wrong, I was in darkness, I wasn’t enlightened, I was deceived, I was perhaps even in the clutches of some demon, left me ravaged by a dreadful anxiety about the state of my soul, and what I was supposed to believe, and who could be trusted.

It was, in fact, a full-blown crisis of faith.

I’m grateful to testify, that God eventually delivered me from that frightening spiritual chaos. The path out was one of brokenness and contrition, but it ended with a sobering cognizance of heresy, false doctrine, catastrophic error, and the 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗮𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗲 these things inflict upon God’s precious people.

As I spent the better part of a year, desperately trying to understand why that was and how it happens… how people who love and serve the Lord, can still be lead, and 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴, into error…. 𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗴𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝘀𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻𝗲.

It ended with the thorough understanding, that 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙, seemingly godly 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙤, 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙜.

I looked around and saw it 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. Spiritual chaos and confusion and bewildered, mixed-up Christians at every turn. I’ve seen godly men and women, struggling to hear through the noise; battling for clarity in a sea of proclaimed “truths” that are exasperatingly incompatible with one another. Spiritually drowning in a cacophony of voices leading God’s people in a wide variety of directions. Reeling from the aftermath. Not sure where to go or who to believe or what to trust.

As I’ve looked on at others experiencing this, and walked through it myself, I’ve come face to face with a sobering reality. 𝗚𝗼𝗱’𝘀 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗶𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿. I am not immune to error. You are not immune to error. Matthew 24:24 comes with a stark warning, “𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘸 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴; 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵, 𝘪𝘧 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵.” What that’s saying, is that 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝗺𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘃𝘂𝗹𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.

We are 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗲 to error….

Someone told me once, that if you’re saved, God won’t let you be deceived. I don’t find that compatible with Peter’s strong warning to the saints. “𝘉𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘣𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘦 𝘷𝘪𝘨𝘪𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘵; 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭, 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵, 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘶𝘳.” -1 Peter 5:8

Our human nature is one of independence. Our “default” is to resort to relying upon ourselves. I’ve learned, overtime, that there are certain elements to living a Christian life that, if we’re not careful, can lead us to a sense of false security. Perfect church attendance. Perfect execution of Christian expectations. You look like everyone. You pay your tithes. Perhaps you’re a leader in some capacity. A sense that you belong to the “right” denomination. You compare well to others among you. You’ve got righteous living down to a science. You tick all the boxes.

The problem is, that sense of security is rooted in ourselves, and it just doesn’t cut it.

We live in a world that is absolutely, utterly saturated in false ideas, pagan practices, evil motives, deceptions, snares… You will find them constantly pressing against the walls of the church, seeping and oozing in, 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦. I’m not trying to inspire a fretfulness or an unhealthy fear, but it is 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 that we are cognizant that our strength, our efforts, our motives… they aren’t sufficient against the powers of darkness and the devices and tactics of Satan.

As the Lord was leading me out of the diabolic confusion I was in, I often wondered what it was that made me vulnerable. Believing that I had been a rock solid Christian for years, it was unsettling to me to realize this could happen to a believer. In a holy, reverent way, it frightened me.

Over time, the Lord showed me many things that contribute to it, but over and over, He led me back to a single common denominator. Underneath error after error, within my own life, whether it was behavioral, or doctrinal, or ideological; if it was a decision that went awry, or a character flaw, you name it, it was self.

If I humbled myself before Him and allowed Him to expose the root, I discovered there were precious few errors, if any, where pride, a reliance upon myself, was not the ultimate source.

I became increasingly aware, that there was an 𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘥 pride, that subtly navigated me from within, influencing the things I did and the decisions I made. He showed me, that 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴, 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘶𝘱𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴. It will corrupt good deeds with selfish ambition. It will corrupt decisions, propelling you in directions that God did not intend for you to go. It will manifest as hurt and lead you astray. If you have any virtues, pride will make them your vice. Pride will even spawn ministries. Ministries where people are hurt, because pride subtly 𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙨 people to make itself look and feel good.

As the Lord lead me out of that whirlwind of chaos, He showed me that pride is blindness, and wherever it is permitted to exist, you are absolutely, hands-down, in danger of waltzing into a chasm of error.

This is why we are prone to error.

Because like it or lump it, the core of our human nature, is pride. It’s that subtle, hidden love of self, manifesting in a thousand ways, that navigates us away from the purity and Truth of the Gospel and God’s ways, into erroneous paths and decisions and ideals.

I don’t want to watch another brother or sister stumble into false teachings. My heart aches at the thought of every deep and tragic wound inflicted by heresy, and erroneous doctrine. My plea, 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘤𝘩… 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯, to believers that feel as if they are in the middle of a tug of war and saints that are wrestling with deep questions, concerned about counterfeits, and struggling to discern Truth in the midst of an unnerving commotion, and even to the voices that are, or might even become, leaders among so many disoriented Christians:

𝘉𝘰𝘸 𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘚𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳…

𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘏𝘪𝘮 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨.

𝘈𝘴𝘬 𝘏𝘪𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺.

I won’t sugar-coat it. I promise you, if you take your pride to the Lord, the experience that follows can (and likely will) be, brutal. He’ll show you that under your anger, lurking behind your anxiety, clustered up in your desire for approval, fueling so many of your ambitions, protecting you from pain and discomfort, over and over, there is pride, 𝘯𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳.

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘏𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘪𝘵…

What you will find, is that as He does, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘂𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀. When you relinquish pride, 𝙂𝙤𝙙 𝙞𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙣𝙡𝙮 𝙙𝙚𝙛𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙚. This is where you learn to truly, TRULY, let Him be Lord over your entire being.

He will lead you along an uncomfortable and unfamiliar way, and you must learn to trust 𝘏𝘪𝘮. You will learn to submit to what’s painful, unknown, and uncharted, and you’ll learn to lean upon 𝘏𝘪𝘮. You’ll learn to stay still when every fiber of your being wants to run, because you are trusting 𝘏𝘪𝘮. You’ll learn to obey His Word without reservation even when you do not understand, because you are fully reliant upon 𝘏𝘪𝘮. You learn quickly, that to survive without pride, 𝘏𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵.

When you realize how utterly feeble your understanding is, and how futile all your efforts are, and how corrupt so many of your motives truly are, and how 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 you need Him… 𝗛𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗟𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲…

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳.

𝙊𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙚𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣…

𝘐𝘴 𝘏𝘪𝘮…

We learn, through His tender guidance, how to remove self from the throne, and allow Him to reign over every area of our lives. Him… on the throne, morning, noon and night. Him, reigning supreme over every decision, and action, and motive… Him… Lord, in every possible, blessed way… This isn’t that passive, religious experience of going through motions that brings a sense of false security. It’s an active, constant devotion to Christ as Lord and King over all.

Proverbs sums it up so well…

“𝘛𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵; 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐𝘯 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗹𝗲𝗱𝗴𝗲 𝗛𝗶𝗺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝗛𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘴.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

ALL thine heart. ALL thy ways.

When you strip away all the fluff, and get down to the brass tacks, there is a simple question behind every error, past, present, and future. 𝘐𝘴 𝘏𝘦 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙡𝙮, 𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙮, 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦? 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵, 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘵, 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘴𝘦, 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦. If there is even one small place that pride occupies the throne, the Lord will not share it. In that place, reserved and kept from Him, pride/self is your god, and that god will always lead you into error.

Who reigns there today? Is it God?

Make it certain. Make it fail-safe. Find a prayer closet and establish it now! He is LORD over every area of my life! And then trust Him. Trust Him fully and entirely to guide your steps and light your path. Because as long as He is truly, truly Lord; it is impossible for Him to lead you wrong.

Wherever He takes you. Whatever it means. Whatever that looks like. Even if it’s scary and terrifying and completely uncharted territory, you can rest, knowing that it’s going to be alright.

If He is Lord, you’re secure. You can trust Him!

If He has all of you, HE SHALL direct thy paths.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” – Isaiah 41:10